Locked Out

For two weeks I’ve been trying to get into this blog to write, update, be in contact with you.

No go.

Somehow, I was locked out. I tried every password that is on my usual list. No go. Locked out.

Until today (Mercury just “returned” today, so why am I surprised?). Today I tried 3 of my usuals and suddenly I am in. I don’t know what happened, but I’m in. Immediately, I changed the password to something easily remembered. All is well. I’m ready to move forward.

We can get locked out of our patterns of living. We go along for decades operating with certain predictable patterns of behavior and then one day – WHAM –  we are left with nothing working. What worked in many situations now feels dull and flat, or ineffective.

This happened to me recently. (no, not more about being locked out of my blog) I had a moment’s rush of adrenaline as I suddenly recalled a commitment, thinking I had missed it….this at the same time my husband walked in and asked a joking question that just increased my quick flare of anxiety 100 fold.

Oh, how quickly I flipped into an old pattern, a beloved mantra, a piece of long held identity that I’ve found comfort in when I’m on the defensive. And it just wasn’t working anymore. I was locked out. Now, I was saved by two things:

1. the commitment I remembered still needed to be addressed (and I had plenty of time to do so) but this required my full attention just now
2. a later conversation….a long one….with my husband as to why why why I revert to this pattern and expectation.

We talked for quite some time about how this no longer serves me. It did at one time, but I am vastly different now than in the days when that protective mantra, that defensive pattern, that feisty tigress energy was set in the stone of my being.

Two days later, I had spiritual direction with my director.

Friends, this is why we do spiritual direction. We are evolving, growing, amazing beings….ever on the move. If we are not, then we are stuck. We need companions on the way who will hold the mirror for us, who will speak frankly to us, who will listen deeply and long to us in order to get us to hear what we’ve just said.

I told my spiritual director that I was done with this pattern of being. I didn’t want 6 months of therapy to get over it, I wanted to get over it now, today, right in that moment.

And that is what we did. Not because its that easy. Its not. But because I had been doing the work, the hard work, to get me to this point. And I was able to recognize my arrival. It was time. I was ready.

This is my prayer for you, dear reader. Engage in a long term commitment of personal evolution. Not for the mere novelty of self reinvention, but rather, for the deep shedding of past selves, old patterns, fresh ways to live and be in this world.

The shamanic process of the Peruvians is like this (oversimplified here):

*we shed our skin like the serpent, wriggling out of the old covering, allowing a new covering which lets us grow longer and fuller

*we allow that old covering, those old patterns, those ineffective ways to be mulched down into the jungle floor, like mulched leaves and humus, clearing out way for the new

*we soar above, readying for an epic journey of soul and being, like the hummingbird who flits wicked fast and travels thousands of miles even though it is among the smallest birds

*we catch the air currents of our vision, as we see the length and breadth of our personal and spiritual landscapes…at the same time we can zero in on the tiniest of details for this day, like the eagle, the red tail hawk, the peregrine falcon.

A process of release and vision, release and vision, happening on an upward spiral of growth and amazement. When we hit a moment of being locked out of our usual ways, it is likely because our usual ways are no longer relevant.

May it be so for you.



One thought on “Locked Out

  1. Ohhh Amy! I feel a kindred spirit with you as you express yourself so clearly. Thank-you for having this blog. I believe I am traveling a similar path. Thank-you for being your precious self. love you guys-

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