the Inner Growl

Whew! Where’d that come from???

instinct

that tears and quashes the best of us

anger that rages like a summer storm blotting out the sun at midday

self defense that finds the enemy, even if there isn’t an enemy

Our archetypal selves live in our deepest reaches, and in an instant can leap forth through open mouth, raised middle finger, the cowering shrink, the stoic shutdown. In a flash, we are who we were (maybe) or who we think we need to be (maybe) or who we are not now.

Where’d that come from?

Well, the hard news is, its us. It is inside of us no matter how hard we work to repress it, ignore it, deny it.

What to do?

Beat our selves up when the inner growl takes over?

As people on the move, in the groove, waking to purposeful ways of being…we can use these for our revealing. Ok, so first of all, we need to learn the art of the apology. I’m sorry. Say it with me “I’m Sorry” “I’m so sorry” ‘I don’t know where that came from but that isn’t how I wanted to respond.” “Forgive me.”

Power, friends. So much power in the apology. It diffuses, it slowss,  it dissipates the confusion and clears the fog and fume that hovers like a lingering terror.

Next: deep breath and start again.

Later: ask yourself “Where’d that come from?”

And now the work begins. Because it came from within you. If it felt like a foreign invasion don’t believe it. Even if energetically it was an assault on you from an outside source (hey, we all shoot energy into human interaction) YOU chose to take it in, take it on, roll about it in like a dog in stink. No scapegoating. You made a choice to take it in. That intake shows us our places of vulnerability.

This is what you want to investigate, your own detective service with your name X.XXX on the frosted window. For you have created the noir and you can uncreate it.

But, lets get back to that inner growl. It came from within you. So, what is it revealing to you?

Fear?

Insecurity?

Protectiveness?

Were you responding to a

perceived threat?

perceived slight?

perceived insult?

Can you follow the trail to the source narrative that resides with you for all time until it is revealed as false or done?

Here’s the Amybreakdown: we are all these things. We desire to be on a movement forward of healing, and to heal we must see the wound in its depths. These outbursts of an inner growl gives us that opportunity to see that the wound is still festering someplace. Where? We want to go deep into that wound to see it, to seize it, to cleanse it, to  heal it. No judgements here….judgements are just another layer of narrative that came from somewhere (self, church, parents, culture) and judgement impedes self growth every time. Awareness and awakening are the soil for change.

(Eugenico Cuttica – Young Woman with Inner Sight VII / Mixed Media on Archival Paper)

 

If we don’t see /feel/know it, we can’t heal it.

The layers of human complexity are myriad. Myriad and beautiful just like rings of a tree that show not just the years of existence but when was there blight? When was there a drought? When was the summer perfect? When was the winter so killing it nearly did the tree in?

We cannot cut ourselves open to see these rings to tell the story, so we have to rely on things like response, internal discord, sweeping fears, unanchored anxiety to show us the way into our rings, our story. To set us free.

So worth it.

And here comes my old saw, that belief I have that I can’t quite let go of because I see it work…..

We do our best interior healing in community. With trusted friends. With a book club, a congregation, a 12 step group, lunch crowd……what is your place? Where do you say “Hey, you won’t believe what I got myself into today?” Surround yourself with brave souls who will listen to you well before jumping to their own story. Embrace yourself into tiny or fuller gatherings where you can work out your own revealings in your own mind but with the energy of goodness upholding you (even if they never know what is going on inside of you). But do, please, work it out. And then be that for someone else.

You deserve it. The world deserves it. You are a unique piece to this whole puzzle of existence. Your well being is my well being and my well being is your well being.

That is how it works.

As always, I am available to be an itty bitty community to get you started if it feels too vulnerable to enter a larger fray. I will listen to you as though you are the only one who matters, because for that hour, you are. We can work together on things of this lifetime, or your cosmic journey. You are not alone. Let’s get started.

To you,

Amy

 

Images from google images, with a particular shout out to Eugenico Cuttica for the fabulous painting.

 

Full disclosure: our own lives make the best blog posts. #writingfromexperience